I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
