I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
