i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
