I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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