Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
