You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
