I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
