There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
