Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
True college students do jello shots in the library
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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