This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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