I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
