i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
