Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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