How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
