mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
