Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My ass is underappreciated
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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