u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize