Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
