I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
