just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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