you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
