why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
