When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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