I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
