is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
