Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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