hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
