I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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