Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
