the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
What changed your mind?
Being sober
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
