I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
