she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
