did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
