Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
