I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize