just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
