When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
