I wish they made helmets for livers.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
