I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
