The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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