I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize