i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
