Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
