I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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