Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
