o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
