He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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