hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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