i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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