apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
