u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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