girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
