I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I forget how to act sober
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
