its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Everyone says I win the strip club
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