i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
