Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
