I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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