sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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