Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
