hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
