I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
